不是每个笑容都是快乐的。。。

不是每个笑容都是快乐的...
也不是每个笑着的人都是开心的...
有时候笑容，只是一种形式上的礼仪...

raining inside..

suppose to be a simple and plain day...
but smile quite much through out the day...
just to make myself more cheerful...
but...before end of the class today,,,
the short film...short briefing comment on that film make me emo...
tears rolling again...but not as much as last time...
the video's name is MAMA...
the words i scare the most...
actually it was in a foreign language and not have any subtitles...
and i dun know what is trying to represent in this video...
but after watching it...the lecturer explain to us,,,
I didnt pay full attention at all....so dont know much about it also...
but sudden...he sudden link to a question...
who miss their mum home-cooked meal...
i thought he want to ask us who miss their mum...
and my heart shiver after hear that question...
it just like a auto action...I didnt know why it will like this also...
after coming here....I think I become weaker...
become more easier to miss something,someone...and easier to cry...
trying to make myself a bit calm and it was success...
but after this...the lecturer ask the question that i thought he ask just now...
who miss their mum now? I think everyone is missing their mum now...
and those guys...who are plan to back hometown today....i think all
start acting...shouting''oh mum...mama...''
quite hurt u know for hearing this?
but they just dont know that my mum had passes away long time already....
cant blame them also...
but for those who know...shouting ''oh mum,,,i gonna back to find u already...''
this make me more sad...
and just remind me something....
in this world really NO ONE WILL CARE FOR WHAT U FEEL,COZ EVERYONE JUST CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES...EVERYONE IS just too SELFISH!
and of course....human is just made to be selfish in this reality world...
one and one time hurting me...
luckily...i didnt do some embarrassing things in the class....
the class is over after that...
walking back alone with the injured heart...
no one know how much I wish there will be someone appear in front of me...
huging me and comfort me...but there just no one...
always no...no even have any before...
sometime I enjoy walking alone in the nice windy weather...
coz i love wind...it make me feel more comfortable and natural...
the nice weather will make me really happy all the day but not for today...
with the raining's heart...
no one know how much I wish there is someone will see through me...
knowing what I'm craving for and how i feel...
I just keep pretending..camouflage that I'm a optimistic person...
just for do not let other know what am I actually is...
even through my own family dont know what I actually feel and act also...
not to mention are friends...
I still cant find out the one who will expose my weakness and make me comfortable with him/her...the one who can let me put down my mask show my true personality with...
is it so difficult to find that one?maybe...
Haiz...single also not a fault..
single also very good one...
I prefer to stay single always instead of cant find that one really understand me...
it is better than finding someone no really have true feeling with to replace...
no one can replace anyone in one's heart...
u will only hurt someone if u finding someone to replace the important person in ur heart....
sometime....walking alone is not a bad thing....

happy belated 18th to myself ^^

yea yea~~that day finally coming...
my first ever and only once 18th birthday...
also didn't expect too much on it before...
but have a really surprise ^^
although i knew it long time before but just pretended that I dont know...XD
[sometime pretend dont know everything is good...at least,,,other people will be happier :D]
but really thx all my beloved friends!
really love u-all...
actually all part is quite happy and good....except for trying to pair me up with that one i really dislike but birthday fall on same day with me...>.<
dont like to see those pics also...
all is good but that part,,,,and pls...stop pairing me up with anyone...
I'm really hate it,,,

back to the topic...
for some details...
have a free lunch meal and free movie on the day before my birthday...
thx to the 2 guys...the 2 friend that I always sticking with...
and is the best friends among all the friends I recognize in MMU I think...[but just seem like wanna losing them ad,...==]
we watched INCEPTION on that day...
nice story but i think a bit bored at the starting part of the movie...
after movie section...just walking around alamanda only...
I know that two of them trying to find a present to buy for me and that one born on the same date with me...
but alamanda nothing to buy de lah...bored place...XD
seeing them walking and passing around those shop and keep chit-chating
quite funny but I just pretend that I dont know what happen...
I just dont want to disappointed themXD
and in nite of the same day ...
around 11.30pm...quite tired ad...and I know they wanna coming celebrate with me although they didnt say to me...but credit to me clever,I knew it lah....XD
one of them trying to cheat me through msn...
pretending asking me havent go sleep ah?not tired meh....
then for his fun...I told him I wanna sleep ad loh...
and he seem like a bit shock and keep asking me dont want sleep earlier since I never sleep so early...
but after that...really tired and sleep for a while...
one of my friends from hometown calling me when about 11.55pm...
I've really forgot does I heard the ringtones of my phone and when I start answering her call==...
didnt remember what she told actually...XD...wake up from sleep sure blur a bit...
then another call from fongfong...ask for mann ee no. from me>.<
what a day and time...wanna coming ad stil ask for no. of those who wanna coming also from me...
although I knew u-all will coming ad...but dont like that lah,not surprise ad...XD
another call from that one who wanna cheat me before...
pretending wanna wishing me hapy birthday instead of waking me up from sleep...XD
then...receive a call from mann ee...
asking me wanna yumcha or not...
sure i say want then she ask me to go down now....
I just reply my FB comment 1st for about 5 min only...
then another call asking me open the door....XD
although knew ad they will come...
but when I open the door and saw so many ppl outside summore singing happy birthday song to me....
really surprise and touch leh....^^...love it...:D
happy happy....^^
then we just cut the cake[the part i hate the most],play with cream,chatting,and recording video for the K.F.C fanclub...XD
quite funny....^^
after this take some photo of all of us....
really appreciate these pics....^^love it so much...XD
about 2.00am....we go yumcha at the mamak shop outside my house...
and nothing much to say actually...haha
quite bored since all of us not actually vry close...XD
I'm quite close with each lah..but them din so close with each other.,...
and going back about 3.00am....
online!~~~XD...reply all my FB birthday wishes~
really enjoy it....^^ about 100++ wishes....happy....^^
and have a class the next morning...
all are damn tired when in class...XD
and although din have any celebration on the whole day...
coz here is really nth can play...>.<,,,
but they keep wishing me happy birthday and I'm really touching...^^
last...thx all my friends for the surprise party and all wishes get from u-all
thx also for those who write their wishes on my Fb wall...
really happy and Thx u-all...
I'm really appreciate all of u since I'm really treasure all my friend especially those who appreciate me also XD
hope all of us just getting closer and closer and are best friends forever!
I love u all^^

18th...quite a significant age for the young like us...
thx for giving me a special and unforgettable 18's birthday...<3

one more day...

one more day to reach that scary day...>.<
really scare now...
dont noe what will happen...
actually...tmr,,,dun feel so much like to go out instead of so many assignment are waiting for me...
but since they ask me out and i say yes ad...now cant change anything...
hope tmr will be a better day for me...
and yet...hope all is going smooth tmr...the situation and environment not will be so awkward
and boring...
GOD bless me...


and one more things...
that ppl...i dont know what u taking me for...
and really cant understand what u r thinking...
just hope that we r frenz...forever...vry goodfren,,,
sometime just wanna kidding with u and pls dun be so serious or pls dun so easy believe in what i said...
most of the time...is just kidding...dont angry and dun be petty,k?
i dun noe what u r thinking...but really hope that u din take it serious...

ya,,,one more question...r my face look like play-girl or easy fall in love with?
why from primary school till now in Uni ad...
for those who r opposite sex with me and have a good relationship and conversation with me..
those guy...always been teasing by their frenz or some more teasing me also...
why they so easy thought that those crush on me?
quite a trouble for me,,,and mayb cause of it...
it make a wrong impression for other about me...
and it consequently causing me being single till now...
not even have any...>.<
sometime,,,it just really ridiculous and i'm already vry sick of it...
nth to comment and nth to say anymore...
even for those the malay classmate...
not even talk b4 except for Fb chatting...
his frenz thought that he crush on me pula...T.T
tired...really tired about it...

GOD...my DEAR GOD...
if YOU really love me and hope i'm being love by someone...
pls just sending me the right person...one is enough only...
I just need ONE...who really love and care me superly...

expect?no...

countdown-ing my birthday...
still got 7 days to go...
but the feeling keep come toward me is just scary...
keep remid myself that don't expect too much on it...
because no one will remember it...
if they remember or they know that that day is my birthday
the most i will get is also only a happy birthday greeting...
maybe I just cant let it go...
really hope that have someone or somebody can celebrate with me
and giving me present,,,
but it never happen...
that is not a tradition for my family to celebrate birthday...
so...never have expection from there...
but friends,,,just always didnt take it serious...
it was said we are good friend or best friends or whatever...
but I'm just that who always being forgetted one...
what kind of life does I have...
never,,,not seem like never,,is really never have anyone celebrate with me...
the DAY keep coming closer,and I'm getting more and more emo...
really hope that i can totally forget that day...
it is better for me to take it just like a simple day than my birthday...
present...i really like it,,,no matter what u give me...
the most important things for me is just the intention or more in more proper saying...
the appretiation of u-all toward me...
keep asking myself dont expect too much and dont have any expection...
but dunno why it just keep appearing on my mind,,,==
haiz,,,,

1st of August...I will remember this day always...

The 1st day of August...

suppose to be a very hapiness and shine month...

but my friend leave me on this day...

the start of the new month...and she will leave later...

so much memory between us and the campus life...

I'm sure u will live better after u go penang...

but for me...I need to continue my life in the same environment with all ours memories around...

so often wil miss u when i saw or think about something that we do together before this and now...

less one...

This two month...although just two month...

so much memories between u and me...

more than the 10  years we know each other...

really hope that we can graduate together after 4 years...

but now...only 2 month...u leave ad...

although i'm sad...but still hope u can get whatever u want...

and I really hope that I can get usual of all of this and just be good to anything...

The things make me more sad is that...
my birthday is just 15 days away...
I really hope that u can celebrate with me before u go there...
when we come here together,,,i never thought that u will leave so early...
I still wishing for to have an unforgettable birthday for the 1st year Uni life with all my beloved friends
I really hope that all of u,the new friends and u can give me a surprise birthday...
although just a simply wishes from all of u is really enough for me ad...
but now,,,I think no one will remember or no one will know my birthday...
maybe i just expect too much on it...so now are very lost and disappointed...
anyway,,,

May God bless us always...Hope both of us can be happy always...friendship forever!love so much...

I'm fake...

when i smile...u can see the hapiness in my eyes...

but when i cry...u not will know...

coz i never cry before other...

sometimes,,,when i was smile...u just dont know that my heart is crying...

just need one second...when i turn myself back...my tears start rolling down...

and no one will know...

I wish to be happy too...I wanna keep myself always from emo also...

I know all of u want me to be cheerful and braveful...

I will try vry vry hard to achieve it also...

but just for once...now...let me cry out loud...

let me cry for the last time...

I just cant holding back the tears...

I will try ti be happy and make more friends after this...

I know u all so care about me,,really very thx u all

and I appreciate it so much!...

but just for now...let me cry for the last time...

I will be strong after this...gambateh for myself!!!

farewell day...

真的好久没来更新了
不是没有内容更新
而是想说的话太多，懒得写出来...
这两个星期真的发生了很多事情
我的大学生涯啊，刚开始习惯，陪我一起来的朋友就说不想读了要回去了
退学手续都办好了，这星期就要离开了
过后的生活会是怎么样的呢？
还真不敢去想象...一个人的我要怎么过才好？
之前的心情真的是很复杂，很郁闷也很生气
气他为什么每次都是半路逃跑...
现在好多了...只是很担心接下来的四年要怎么的去过？
幸好我哥现在上来这里工作了，虽然有点距离，
但至少当有事情发生的时候，还有人可以救我 >.<

这几天的生活和心情变化很大
大到我有点分不清哪个是真哪个是假...
那些朋友呢，到底是真心的还是因为我还有利用价值才和我在一起的？
有时候觉得他们人很好，还很照顾我帮忙我...
可是有时候，从他们的谈话，眼神和行为...
又让我不禁怀疑朋友的价值和定义...
也许是我自以为我自己很了解他们
可是从头到尾，对他们一点都不熟悉...
毕竟，我也不知道他们原本是怎么样的人...
虽然才认识两个月，还蛮要好的
可是现在在一起时的气氛，心情和态度真的跟之前刚认识的时候差好多...
这之间的差别真的让我很好奇，他们到底有没有把我们当作真心的朋友来看待？
还是只是普通认识的朋友罢了？

也许是我们这些小地方来的人比较单纯也比较朴实吧
在大城市里的生活真的让人有压力...
每一个见面的人，你都不知道他真正的样子...
就算知道也未必就是那个你认识的他
有时候会以为自己很了解他们
可是有时候却也并非如此...
我是很真心的把他们当朋友
可是他们现在给我的感觉是，因为之前没有朋友所以认识了就会常在一起
可是现在他们开始熟悉了，也有了新的朋友
我们就再也不重要了
现在的我的存在只是一座临时搭建的桥梁...
用来连接他们两个男生和其他女生交朋友的联系
从中扮演翻译的角色...
似乎，当两组人马便熟悉了以后
我这座临时桥梁就会被抛弃了...

可能人真的很难去了解另外一个人
也很难去知道他们到底在想什么
所以才会那么的疑惑...
看着他们跟越来越多人要好时
是吃醋吗？还是心理不平衡？
我不知道...就是会有不好的感觉...
会有点不舒服不开心...
我不喜欢自己的东西被人抢走的感觉...
从以前就一直这样
我先认识的人，我先得到的东西
最后都是跟别人比较好或是被抢走...
可能以为这样所以会不喜欢他们去认识其他的人
可是who cares...who will care about how i feel?
现在的我只剩一个人,虽然又开始认识其他朋友
可是感觉上都会是不长久的
也许，慢慢的我会变回以前那个孤僻的我吧
就自己一个人静静的上课就好...
不需要朋友...
之前把朋友看的太重
现在的我只要有家人就好了
家人就是我的一切...
朋友之间的游戏，有点想退出了
不需要去争什么...就让你们去变要好吧
我想clear掉一些不必要的关系了...
也许自己过会更好...

今天帮要离开的朋友办了一个小型的同学聚会
至少让他不会有遗憾的回去
可是，并没有想象中的热闹
更没有想象中的好玩
一切都只有一个字可以形容－－－冷
其他人也许觉得很好玩...
可是对我和静来说，真的好闷噢...
还蛮失望的...
也许是把一切相想得太美好
所以当结果不能像想象中一样时就会很失望
也许一开始就不该期望，因为没有期望才不会失望
更不会受伤害...
可是还是一直的重复期望着会有什么不一样的东西发生
也许，命运就是爱作弄我吧...
这个星期以后就会是我一个人的生活了
会是怎么的一个样子呢？
连我自己都不敢去揣测...
当然会很害怕，但希望我可以很好的克服这一切
不要再把任何事情看的那么重了，
因为一切都不值得...
这里不是我们该存在的地方
大城市的人都是以自我为中心
也不会顾虑到别人感受的人
任何事都好像一定要有目的才可以去进行
连交朋友也一样...
这样的人好可怕...
难道一切就不能单纯点？
说的话一定要有含义？有暗示？
我不喜欢拐弯抹角
我所说的和我想说的都只是直接的表达我的想法
所以拜托你们不要想太多...
我的个性就是这样
我只是单纯的说我想说的东西罢了
也只是单纯的很爱玩，可以玩很疯
拜托不要误会我在接近你们＝＝



PS:今年真的不适合出门，是第几次了啊？车在半路有问题...星期天要回来这里时半路爆胎了...
现在都还没弄好呢，有点担心...

现在的我不是我...

不知道为什么...
突然变了,,,变得忧郁很多
好想念以前的我...
现在的我根本就不是我
就只是一个空壳在走动罢了...
连笑容都好假，好虚伪...
跟朋友在一起时，总是会笑得很开心
可是那是真正的笑吗？
我也不知道我在笑什么...就只是想用笑容掩饰一切
心里好不舒服哦...不知道为什么会这样子...
每次一回到宿舍就会变超郁闷的
像是变成另外一个人似的
也没那么健谈了
不知道为什么跟新认识的朋友间，好像有了某种隔阂
是我自己的关系...可是并没有发生什么
只是我变了
不知道变成什么样子了...
不喜欢现在的自己
像是没有目的的活着罢了
忘了来这里读书的初衷
更忘了为什么我会在这里
是不是应该找点东西激发自己
让自己积极点开心点呢？
唉...

going back home 2moro...

2moro is going back home...'need to wake up early and bring so much things back and bring back more after 2 days...
so sienz when thinking of this...
3 week din back to home...but just seem like not so long time..
actually dun know what should do after getting home...
some of my frenz keep asking me why i back to home so frequently?
arent that nothing for us to come back home...==
what i thought when everytime hearing this is only...sweat...=___=''
should we have any reason then just can back to home?
mayb we share the different view or values...
it just like a routine for me going back home 2 or 3 week once...
although nth to do...just back to visit my family,my grandma,my nephew,...and so on....
but quite tired when thinking about the journey back to home...T^T
good luck for me...hope i can back to home safely and comfortably...
hope i can done some of my homework when at home too...^^...XD