不甘心...为什么总是被取代

被取代的感觉真的不好受
不知道为什么，就像我哥说的
有种不甘心的感觉...真的没有想过
为什么，我们家的人总是比别人差
并不是人格上的差异，而是在做任何事情和物质上的差异
别人轻而易举就能做到就能拥有的东西
我们总是要花上很久的时间，费心费力的也只得到了那一点
是我们的命运吗？为什么总是那样？？
我哥不甘心不服输的是，为什么别人不需要付出努力
或是任何代价就能轻易的拥有自己的车，自己的事业，自己的产业
而我们总是在付出了很多很多的努力在很久很久之后才有二手的
他不甘心为什么我们拥有的东西总是二手的

而我，我不甘心是因为为什么每次在我付出了很大很大的努力
很用心很用心做到自己自以为很不错很满意的东西的时候
别人总是做得比我好...就算只是轻而易举的去完成...
天份，我讨厌这东西！
它重来就没在我身上出现过！
每次在我对自己的作品或某些事感到很满意时
一看见别人的作品马上心碎...我做的是什么啊...
比较起来根本什么也不是，只是在他们其中最基础最普通的
就和我的人一样，往往是最普通最容易被遗忘的那个
我讨厌在我付出了很多很多的时候并不被珍惜
因为根本没人觉得你是好的
也许对他们来说根本不算什么
我是多么认真的把你们当真心朋友对待
然而我的位子却又是那么轻易的被取代
我讨厌那感觉！超讨厌！...
在我费尽心思的想让大家熟悉点
让班上的同学都认识，都做朋友
然而，这点是做到了
之前所谓的不同region的朋友，现在大家都互相认识了
也比较有话题了
而我却被取代了...
曾经每一个region都是我混到最熟，跟他们最好
然而，好心的希望大家都认识热闹点，介绍多点朋友给大家认识
得到的下场时，他们各自变熟了，而我被遗忘了
我就这样竟然成了和他们最不熟悉的那个...
这就是我的命？从以前到现在一直都那样...
那感觉真的不好受，
看着自己的地位和待遇，以前发生在自己身上的事
一模一样的发生在另一个人生上
对象却不是我...超失落超失望的...

从来就没有人想过我的感受也没有人想要了解过我的感受
我是多么的希望被人看穿我的懦弱，然而有从来没有人重视过我...
这就是我们的命运...永远的老二...总是被人排在最后...
从没有被聚焦过...
唯一的那一点渴望那一点渴求
也只能随着时间慢慢的让自己淡忘
因为它不曾实现过...

你真的不知道你的一个态度可以伤我很深...

raining inside..

suppose to be a simple and plain day...
but smile quite much through out the day...
just to make myself more cheerful...
but...before end of the class today,,,
the short film...short briefing comment on that film make me emo...
tears rolling again...but not as much as last time...
the video's name is MAMA...
the words i scare the most...
actually it was in a foreign language and not have any subtitles...
and i dun know what is trying to represent in this video...
but after watching it...the lecturer explain to us,,,
I didnt pay full attention at all....so dont know much about it also...
but sudden...he sudden link to a question...
who miss their mum home-cooked meal...
i thought he want to ask us who miss their mum...
and my heart shiver after hear that question...
it just like a auto action...I didnt know why it will like this also...
after coming here....I think I become weaker...
become more easier to miss something,someone...and easier to cry...
trying to make myself a bit calm and it was success...
but after this...the lecturer ask the question that i thought he ask just now...
who miss their mum now? I think everyone is missing their mum now...
and those guys...who are plan to back hometown today....i think all
start acting...shouting''oh mum...mama...''
quite hurt u know for hearing this?
but they just dont know that my mum had passes away long time already....
cant blame them also...
but for those who know...shouting ''oh mum,,,i gonna back to find u already...''
this make me more sad...
and just remind me something....
in this world really NO ONE WILL CARE FOR WHAT U FEEL,COZ EVERYONE JUST CARE ABOUT THEMSELVES...EVERYONE IS just too SELFISH!
and of course....human is just made to be selfish in this reality world...
one and one time hurting me...
luckily...i didnt do some embarrassing things in the class....
the class is over after that...
walking back alone with the injured heart...
no one know how much I wish there will be someone appear in front of me...
huging me and comfort me...but there just no one...
always no...no even have any before...
sometime I enjoy walking alone in the nice windy weather...
coz i love wind...it make me feel more comfortable and natural...
the nice weather will make me really happy all the day but not for today...
with the raining's heart...
no one know how much I wish there is someone will see through me...
knowing what I'm craving for and how i feel...
I just keep pretending..camouflage that I'm a optimistic person...
just for do not let other know what am I actually is...
even through my own family dont know what I actually feel and act also...
not to mention are friends...
I still cant find out the one who will expose my weakness and make me comfortable with him/her...the one who can let me put down my mask show my true personality with...
is it so difficult to find that one?maybe...
Haiz...single also not a fault..
single also very good one...
I prefer to stay single always instead of cant find that one really understand me...
it is better than finding someone no really have true feeling with to replace...
no one can replace anyone in one's heart...
u will only hurt someone if u finding someone to replace the important person in ur heart....
sometime....walking alone is not a bad thing....

I'm fake...

when i smile...u can see the hapiness in my eyes...

but when i cry...u not will know...

coz i never cry before other...

sometimes,,,when i was smile...u just dont know that my heart is crying...

just need one second...when i turn myself back...my tears start rolling down...

and no one will know...

I wish to be happy too...I wanna keep myself always from emo also...

I know all of u want me to be cheerful and braveful...

I will try vry vry hard to achieve it also...

but just for once...now...let me cry out loud...

let me cry for the last time...

I just cant holding back the tears...

I will try ti be happy and make more friends after this...

I know u all so care about me,,really very thx u all

and I appreciate it so much!...

but just for now...let me cry for the last time...

I will be strong after this...gambateh for myself!!!

why i'm so moody?

dun noe why...
this few days always feels like this...
unhappy...didnt feeling well,,,and just feel like something isnt right...
anything happen?
suppose to be happy when the 1st but dun noe why sudden changing the mood...
without any bad things...
feel the same through whole week ad...

today,,,when my sis told me that my mum's death anniversary is on next tuesday...
wat a frighten i get from tis...
what a important day that i have forgot?
how can i forgot this day?
sudden felt vry sad and seem like i was so unfilial...
beside that,,,i cant go back to give my respect and pray also...
super sad now...
the 8th years mum had pass away...
still missing her now...but this is the 1st year that i din at home when tis day come...
feel so sry to my mum...
and dun noe why...i feel so much like to cry..
throughout the 7 years before...i wont have this feeling when the anniversary is coming...
but this year...feel so upset...maybe because i'm now stay alone outside and far away from home...
so missing all of my family members...
may the angel stay beside YOU all around...
R.I.P...

back from hometown...

getting back to cyberjaya again...so bored...
baby kaixuan~~miss u much...
didnt see my dearest baby for 2 week,,,quite different form the last time when i saw him...
baby vry obedient now...but quite pity to see his tears...
now,,,xuanxuan know many words already...and always learn the words and song from advertising...
quite funny when he talk back to us...
but he become vry easy to cry...
and he like to bring back all the things and his toys to his shop...
mayb he know,,,only those in his shop not will leave him...
when my bro going to study ,,,xuan xuan still young...stil cant memories any...
but he love to be with my bro...when anytime my bro back to home then he is vry happy and hug my bro everytime and not let him to go out...but when my bro bac to school...he just will kick on temper...
but now,,,he become more sensible...and i know he understand all of our feelings....
when i saying that i want go study ady...he just like know that,,,i will leaving him alone also...
now,,,when he cry he only will call out my sister name,,,coz he know...only my sis will stil at the same place take care of him...
feels so sry to baby,,,
staying for 2 week ady at cyberjaya...but my tears unable to stop again when i saw baby xuanxuan cry so pityful when i going back to cyber...
feel like i'm stil hurting him...
anyone of u thought that baby not have feeling,,,but it is exactly opposite...
eventhough he was 2 years old only...
but i know he can feel...feel all of our feeling...so pls dun be too nasty to any baby that in ur family...coz u will hurting them!!!
my xuanxuan become more and more weakness when he have been leave by more and more ppl those love him...
i'm so sry to u...ah yi sure will dote on you all the time ...
so pls be braveful my dear...

漫漫失眠夜...不安。。。

一直都好不安噢
心跳坏了吧？
从第一天上来开始，心就没有平静过
真的很害怕，害怕我该怎么自己一个人的生活
没有家人的庇佑，没有家里这个避风港
我真的不知道我该怎么样得自己一个人去应付每一天的生活
这对我来说是一个很大的负担
我害怕，怕自己读不来吗？这点倒是还好
真的就是因为要自己一个人生活，日常琐事开销都要自己负责
没有人可以帮我，没有朋友。。。
我最害怕的就是要我自己一个人去解决三餐
一个人吃饭的可怕...
可能是依赖惯了,,,总有人会打包好三餐，不必愁的日子

现在在这里是还有哥哥和妹妹陪我
至少有事情可以找他们帮忙，吃东西也是一起去
可是过几天他们就要回去了
没有人可以帮我，没有人可以救我，没有人可以陪我
一睁开眼睛就只有我一个人
我该怎么去面对那样的生活？
不安一直缠绕着我，而且是越来越多
从第一天要上来之前开始
就没有平静过...只有偶尔睡着的时候会安定些
一睁开眼睛，就算我什么也没去想，就很快的马上变紧张
身体和心是很累，可是就是睡不着我该怎么办？
我真的无法面对那样的生活。。。

长久以来总是忍着不在任何人面前流泪的我
喜欢在夜里哭泣，不是因为什么，就因为没有可以让我在他面前放心哭的人
虽然是原本都很爱哭，可是现在更加得忍不住泪了
轻易的就在所有人面前流下眼泪
就真的把我之前一直伪装的坚强都打碎了

我知道我该变得更勇敢一点
可是这真的不容易做到。。。
止不住的泪，我也没办法让它干枯。。。
只知道，这一切是那么的不顺利
原本定下来的心，又因为一个给了我希望有害我更加失望的朋友动摇了
说什么要陪我来读书，结果还不到一天
虽然是跟我上来了，却因为不舍的男朋友而说不读了
我最讨厌这样的人了！~
只想着平平淡淡，随随便便混日子的人！
我讨厌死了！~
我最讨厌笨女人！
难道你可以一辈子的只做salesgirl?
说什么那么样的简简单单也好
可是你有没有为未来想过？
懒得说你了
还我的心情跟坐过山车一样
原本还期望至少还有一个人陪我一起生活
不用那么害怕了
结果还是一样
还让我摔得更痛
这样的朋友算是真心的吗？
越来越难分辨了...

with all my tears

刚看了100227MusicFair21东方神起日本出道5周年特辑
一幕又一幕的回忆涌上心头
真的真的好想念五只在一起的时候
有多久了啊?你们五个没同时接受访问...
从begin到stand by u....
一步一步的陪伴着你们成长,你们也一步一步的陪伴着我们...
你们的蜕变你们的努力真的很大...
可是听着看着,就真的好想流泪...
尤其是到bolero的时候...深情的你们唱着悲情的歌
真的感觉对你们很抱歉....
一直用着最熟悉的声音唱着不同的歌的你们
带给我们那么那么多的甜蜜回忆...
而我却不是有着动摇的心...
对繁多的歌曲和视频来不及一一看完的烦躁的心
在时间不多中忽略你们的作品忽略你们的活动的我,真的好惭愧...
miannae...

一直都很想成为像五只那样的人...
可现实对我来说真的是好远好远...
不能选择自己喜欢的东西来学真的很痛苦...
一直一直看着你们的成长变化
到终于站在最高峰的时候却来了着这么大的危机...
难道我们就真的差了点运气吗?
五只不像其他的艺人...很容易的就被大众接受
被媒体追捧
也许是因为外形的关系容易被乱定义
所以五只一路走来都比常人辛苦
也比别人更努力才能受到认可...
就在备受光芒围绕的时候却又出现了问题...
真的觉得命运好不公平...

看着你们一起受访问一起上节目宣传
五个人互相挖苦,互相作弄,说笑的时候真的好幸福,好可爱,好开心....
看着视频想着以前的你们,心里甜甜的笑着傻傻的你们~
可一想到现在,无法在一起工作一起生活
各自为自己的事情忙碌的五只就很心痛
就很想哭....眼泪真的很不争气....
虽然事情好像没有什么消息...
可是五个人越来越远距离的各自忙碌不免令人担心...
想着当五只再合体的时候默契会不会变差?
虽然对他们很有信心...可是也不可能完全不担心....
各自拍戏,ｍｊ演唱会,ｍｏｚａｒｔ舞台剧[虽然已落幕],只剩大米轻松的溜狗~
好想陪在你们身边哦!~~~~~
想念你们一直出现在日韩电视和活动上的身影...

我的泪啊...只要看到你们就会流出来...
虽然五只最近的照片都很帅,可是更想念五个人快乐的笑的照片!!~
ｔ　ｆ　ｑ
　ｖ　ｘ　　　想念最美丽的仙后座....最壮观的红海...
更想念最闪耀的五个人...真的很爱你们...

疑惑,彷徨,心在纠结...

又是同样的疑问...可是害怕和疑虑加深了...
选择我要升学的科系一直是我最大的担忧...
因为我真的不知道我喜欢哪一科...
不知道我该选什么来读,我又应该去哪里读...
感觉自己很没用...拿不定主意
也许是我需要担忧的事情太多了...
我并不像其他人那么自由...能随心所欲的选择
我必须考虑很多...
--我自己喜不喜欢
--适不适合我
--未来的出路
--能做的行业和薪金
--学费
--地点
--生活费
--爸爸是不是负担得起
--爸爸的意见...

原本给自己至少半年的时间做决定
更想能先休息一年...利用这一年学我想学的东西
可是没有钱,只要这一项原因,我就什么也做不成...
更不用考虑爸爸肯不肯
可是从一考完试就听到和多人已经去找学校了
更有的人已经在1月intake了~
原本的自信,相信自己不需要和别人争
不需要去担心别人比我早去升学了
可是这自信渐渐消失了...

原本去当兵的朋友,突然回来了
才突然知道他已经报名好了学院...
以这个理由所以不用当兵...
虽然之前就知道他很积极的在找学校
可是没想到那么快...
不过他原本就决定好了要读什么...每个人也觉得那个很适合他
所以很简单的就能决定吧?
他问我要不要一起去读...
之前的渐渐消失的自信,现在全都没了...
因为我不确定...我才打算去考车...我才决定明天去听undang
我还没确定什么是我喜欢的,什么是我要读的...
我还没和家人商量过...我还没给爸爸金钱上的心理准备
我还没认真的看过任何升学的资料...我还没找到我喜欢又符合标准的学校...
这一个问题使我陷入纠结的深渊...
我看过那学院的课程纲要,我有兴趣的东西可是一次过的学
可是我不知道我对那些事的兴趣是不是只是一时的
我是不是真的喜欢...
好烦恼哦!!!~谁可以告诉我我该怎么办?

如果要一起去读当然是最好,可是这么突然...
连我自己也接受不了更何况是我爸...
万一去读了才发现我真的不喜欢读那个
虽然可以选择回来...可是我一定会被爸爸砍死...也会浪费很多钱...
很烦恼...烦恼该怎么与人竞争...
你们一定会说那就不要和他们争...可是这是天生的虚荣心...
天生的怕输心态...因为我总是在最后...所以我想逆转
我从以前就一直在寻找和跟进所有的升学管道和课程
那些总是看似无心的人
却已在私底下安排好了一切...
甚至比我更肯定的已经在找学校或已经找到学校了
我很乱...我真的很乱...
我知道比别人迟去读书就必须付出比别人更大的努力和更多的时间来完成学业
可是我又无法尽早的就决定我的未来...
我现在看不见任何的曙光...晚上也睡不着...一直在想
想我到底该读什么..这问题一直在追着我跑
我不是要逃开它,却找不到勇气和实力来面对它...
我烦恼!我烦恼!我真的很烦恼啊!!!!!
很想大声的喊出来,却连个可以让我喊的地方也找不到...
我真的觉得自己很没用,很孬,很失败...
除了纠结还是纠结...心都快纠在一起了...
脑袋也早已经打了死结...
我该怎么做才能知道我真正想要的是什么?
我该怎么做才能理清楚我需要的是什么?
谁可以帮我找出我真正的最爱?
谁又可以帮我解决这问题?
谁可以告诉我?...