farewell day...

真的好久没来更新了
不是没有内容更新
而是想说的话太多，懒得写出来...
这两个星期真的发生了很多事情
我的大学生涯啊，刚开始习惯，陪我一起来的朋友就说不想读了要回去了
退学手续都办好了，这星期就要离开了
过后的生活会是怎么样的呢？
还真不敢去想象...一个人的我要怎么过才好？
之前的心情真的是很复杂，很郁闷也很生气
气他为什么每次都是半路逃跑...
现在好多了...只是很担心接下来的四年要怎么的去过？
幸好我哥现在上来这里工作了，虽然有点距离，
但至少当有事情发生的时候，还有人可以救我 >.<

这几天的生活和心情变化很大
大到我有点分不清哪个是真哪个是假...
那些朋友呢，到底是真心的还是因为我还有利用价值才和我在一起的？
有时候觉得他们人很好，还很照顾我帮忙我...
可是有时候，从他们的谈话，眼神和行为...
又让我不禁怀疑朋友的价值和定义...
也许是我自以为我自己很了解他们
可是从头到尾，对他们一点都不熟悉...
毕竟，我也不知道他们原本是怎么样的人...
虽然才认识两个月，还蛮要好的
可是现在在一起时的气氛，心情和态度真的跟之前刚认识的时候差好多...
这之间的差别真的让我很好奇，他们到底有没有把我们当作真心的朋友来看待？
还是只是普通认识的朋友罢了？

也许是我们这些小地方来的人比较单纯也比较朴实吧
在大城市里的生活真的让人有压力...
每一个见面的人，你都不知道他真正的样子...
就算知道也未必就是那个你认识的他
有时候会以为自己很了解他们
可是有时候却也并非如此...
我是很真心的把他们当朋友
可是他们现在给我的感觉是，因为之前没有朋友所以认识了就会常在一起
可是现在他们开始熟悉了，也有了新的朋友
我们就再也不重要了
现在的我的存在只是一座临时搭建的桥梁...
用来连接他们两个男生和其他女生交朋友的联系
从中扮演翻译的角色...
似乎，当两组人马便熟悉了以后
我这座临时桥梁就会被抛弃了...

可能人真的很难去了解另外一个人
也很难去知道他们到底在想什么
所以才会那么的疑惑...
看着他们跟越来越多人要好时
是吃醋吗？还是心理不平衡？
我不知道...就是会有不好的感觉...
会有点不舒服不开心...
我不喜欢自己的东西被人抢走的感觉...
从以前就一直这样
我先认识的人，我先得到的东西
最后都是跟别人比较好或是被抢走...
可能以为这样所以会不喜欢他们去认识其他的人
可是who cares...who will care about how i feel?
现在的我只剩一个人,虽然又开始认识其他朋友
可是感觉上都会是不长久的
也许，慢慢的我会变回以前那个孤僻的我吧
就自己一个人静静的上课就好...
不需要朋友...
之前把朋友看的太重
现在的我只要有家人就好了
家人就是我的一切...
朋友之间的游戏，有点想退出了
不需要去争什么...就让你们去变要好吧
我想clear掉一些不必要的关系了...
也许自己过会更好...

今天帮要离开的朋友办了一个小型的同学聚会
至少让他不会有遗憾的回去
可是，并没有想象中的热闹
更没有想象中的好玩
一切都只有一个字可以形容－－－冷
其他人也许觉得很好玩...
可是对我和静来说，真的好闷噢...
还蛮失望的...
也许是把一切相想得太美好
所以当结果不能像想象中一样时就会很失望
也许一开始就不该期望，因为没有期望才不会失望
更不会受伤害...
可是还是一直的重复期望着会有什么不一样的东西发生
也许，命运就是爱作弄我吧...
这个星期以后就会是我一个人的生活了
会是怎么的一个样子呢？
连我自己都不敢去揣测...
当然会很害怕，但希望我可以很好的克服这一切
不要再把任何事情看的那么重了，
因为一切都不值得...
这里不是我们该存在的地方
大城市的人都是以自我为中心
也不会顾虑到别人感受的人
任何事都好像一定要有目的才可以去进行
连交朋友也一样...
这样的人好可怕...
难道一切就不能单纯点？
说的话一定要有含义？有暗示？
我不喜欢拐弯抹角
我所说的和我想说的都只是直接的表达我的想法
所以拜托你们不要想太多...
我的个性就是这样
我只是单纯的说我想说的东西罢了
也只是单纯的很爱玩，可以玩很疯
拜托不要误会我在接近你们＝＝



PS:今年真的不适合出门，是第几次了啊？车在半路有问题...星期天要回来这里时半路爆胎了...
现在都还没弄好呢，有点担心...

现在的我不是我...

不知道为什么...
突然变了,,,变得忧郁很多
好想念以前的我...
现在的我根本就不是我
就只是一个空壳在走动罢了...
连笑容都好假，好虚伪...
跟朋友在一起时，总是会笑得很开心
可是那是真正的笑吗？
我也不知道我在笑什么...就只是想用笑容掩饰一切
心里好不舒服哦...不知道为什么会这样子...
每次一回到宿舍就会变超郁闷的
像是变成另外一个人似的
也没那么健谈了
不知道为什么跟新认识的朋友间，好像有了某种隔阂
是我自己的关系...可是并没有发生什么
只是我变了
不知道变成什么样子了...
不喜欢现在的自己
像是没有目的的活着罢了
忘了来这里读书的初衷
更忘了为什么我会在这里
是不是应该找点东西激发自己
让自己积极点开心点呢？
唉...

going back home 2moro...

2moro is going back home...'need to wake up early and bring so much things back and bring back more after 2 days...
so sienz when thinking of this...
3 week din back to home...but just seem like not so long time..
actually dun know what should do after getting home...
some of my frenz keep asking me why i back to home so frequently?
arent that nothing for us to come back home...==
what i thought when everytime hearing this is only...sweat...=___=''
should we have any reason then just can back to home?
mayb we share the different view or values...
it just like a routine for me going back home 2 or 3 week once...
although nth to do...just back to visit my family,my grandma,my nephew,...and so on....
but quite tired when thinking about the journey back to home...T^T
good luck for me...hope i can back to home safely and comfortably...
hope i can done some of my homework when at home too...^^...XD

dun be too good toward frenz sometimes...

so long time din updates my news ad...just vry lazy to write it out...
so many things happen this week...a bit grey for this week...
just cant be happy as before...
dun noe why...it seem like many of my frenz have many trouble now...
but for those who are not in MMU one...
my secondary school frenz...

A big curious come out in this week and make me confuse+dissappointed...
are the frenz only stand on using and being using basic?
why just seem like nowaday...cant a a sincere or true-hearted frenz like when we were young...
some...u really take them serious as a frenz...
but sometime u will find that,,,they dun think so...they only will ask for ur help when needed...
and after this...i just a like a spare tire...a reserve for them when they are no one to find...
and after the period...when they are getting to know more other frenz...
or just getting better with those who r not before...me---as a reserve...wont be entertain again...
dissappear again....become invinsible again...
I dun mind if u dun really take me as a frenz...but i just hate the kind of feelings become a reserve...
ALL the time i be the reserve no matter at where and when...
shall i just accept this kind of destiny?
so damn hate it...

i was angry with one of my coursemate yesterday...
because of the same problem...
he ask me to help to do one of the homework that he dun really noe how to do...
but actually,,,he lazy to do so...
and I....just too bzbody and help him to do so....but not complete...
coz i send him my work....but he need to differentiate a bit...
human are just like this...when they have something to plead u..sure theywill become so polite and freindly to u...
after getting their purpose,,,the truth coming out...
sending him my work and help him to finish up to 80% ad...but when he getting something wrong...
putting back the problem to me pulak...
so damn f***ing ...
but no because of that person...he just make me think about someone that have the same attitude with him...
all around my study years...i just keep helping anyone who need my help...and at the end of all...
I--the one who just too bzbody,,,too kind hearted...being scold...being discard ...i just really dun like that the feelings to be a fool to oneself...
I din request any from u all...the one i needed most only a thank or a simply smile from u all...
but what i get at the end...really upset me...
no only one times but all the times ...everytimes i just be the bzbody to help u all to do so...
den get a ''good'' enough pay back...
am i just born to deserve this kind of life?
i really hate it! hate it!! hate it!!!
can someone just taking me serious?or just dun asking anything from me...


what i have learn from the beginning till now...
is only ..people just no need to be too helpful...or u just will suffer losses...and to take advantage by other...
and last of all...no one will remember u...
just like u r deserve to do that for them...
iiisshhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i just feel so much like to kill all of them!!!


aren frenz just the simple frenz?
why u all need to complicate it?
all the human being must have an advantages to let other take then we just can be frenz?
what a manner world now...
can everything just back to the original and pure one?
just follow the simple thinking of human and maintain it...
so difficult fo me to differentiate a coursemate,frenz,good frenz or ordinary ppl...

and one other things is ...i just REALLY HATE that someone keep pleasing u to taught how to do the work and just act like he know nth...but after u give he sample or what...he just become pro ad then to be a volunteer keep showing and teaching ppl around AND sending those who i get from senior and send to him to any other WITHOUT asking me or permission from that senior...

he dun really noe who is the senior also...then he just keep passing the assignment done by senior,,,make me so embarrassed toward that senior coz he only give me his sample and for purposing guide me to do my homework...

what a life i suffer now with?

i wanna change!!!!!